When you look at another person, what are you looking for? If you give people the opportunity to talk about themselves, they offer a variety of hints, but not every person picks up the right clues. Some people find fault like it’s some sort of treasure. They do this because seeing the fault in another human being makes them feel superior, in confronting a fellow human with his faults, humiliating gives them a fast fix of feeling in control. It is very unseductive to show such a starvation of self-esteem that requires feeding by even such vile methods. Much more delightful, and much more empowering is the hunt for true treasure in others. If you listen closely, between the lines, you find that people hint of many psychological needs.
For example, your friend argues with you. You cook vegetarian and she cooks meat for her children. You come up with the benefits of vegetable protein and she defends meat as healthier. What opportunity lies here? Well, while you have different opinions on what is healthy, you both care about making healthy meals for your children. What if you recognised her noble need to be a good mother who provides healthy meals for her children? Or you are on a date with a guy who brags endlessly about his vintage car. What if you asked him how he managed to fix it up and recognised his need to express his creativity and improve things?
If you take these opportunities frequently, it is not simple flattery or even just appreciation. It’s more than that, it is reflecting to a man the kind of man who is inside him, waiting to unfold. You literally bring out the best in people. Few things are more seductive.